The Travesty of When Harry Reads Twilight
by Poseida Lunar
Summary: Harry was made to read Twilight by one Hermione Granger. Twilight-bashing, Draco!friend!Harry Hermione-bashing. Did I say Twilight-bashing? AU


**Disclaimer:**I don't own Harry Potter, which belongs to JK Rowling. This makes me very sad. I, however, am relieved that I don't own Twilight either. Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, and I hope with all my heart that my name would never be tainted with such muck.

**Warning:** _TWILIGHT-BASHING!_ If you didn't get this from the disclaimer then here it is now. If you are in love, obsessed with, and/or desperately lusting over Edward's sparkling marble penis, then I suggest you stop reading this now and spare yourself the rage. Flames will be returned with relish. I show no mercy to people who can't read warnings.

Oh, this is not Draco/Harry. This is Draco&Harry... Or Draco!friend. Sorry, my slash fans. I will continue with my other stories soon. Many apologies.

This is also not beta-ed. If you spot a grammar mistake, let me know please. :)

* * *

_About three things I was absolutely positive._

_First, Bella was a Mary Sue._

_Second, there was a part of her- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be- that made her seem like the biggest whiny bitch in the history of sues._

_And third, I, Harry Potter, hated Twilight with a burning passion._

* * *

"So," Hermione Granger said excitedly, bouncing for the first time in years on the center couch of the Gryffindor common room. In her hands was the Twilight book that Harry had just handed back to her. Her face was broken into a wide smile; her eyes glistened with hope and joy. Beside her, Ginny Weasley shuddered and moved some good two feet away, pretending to be absorbed in _Wuthering Height_, refused to participate in the upcoming horror.

Harry winced, wishing that he, too, could move.

"How was it?"

Ever since the beginning of Seventh Year, Hermione had been deeply obsessed with the Twilight series. Of course, like any other normal human beings Harry had no idea what it was at first, thinking that it was just another one of those book series the witch prodigy fell in love with. In Sixth Year it was the Vampirate series, in Fifth Year it was Annie Rice's Vampire Chronicles, in Fourth Year it was _Let Me In_ by a Swedish author named John, in Third year it was _Lord of the Ring_ and _The Hobbit_.

In Second year, it'd been Lockhart's books, but he didn't matter.

Hermione loved and lusted after her obsessions like Ron with Chudley Canon. Say one thing bad about it, and one should prepare to lose his head.

Ginny should know; the poor girl dissed Twilight in the beginning of the year in front of Hermione, and after a punch in the face, her best female friend gave her the cold shoulder and pretended she didn't exist. Ginny, who once had intelligent and meaningful conversations with Hermione, was now forced to retreat to the far inferior shelter of Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, forced to giggle when on the subject of boys and to paint her toenails red and pink against her will.

Hermione then tried to make Ron read it next, but good O' Ronald defended himself by falling back on the excuse of his illiteracy. In truth the Weasley boy knew how to read and write just as fine as Hermione, but let's not let her know that. He'd read the books over the summer because Fred and George dared him, and he was not about to do that again. Brain cells were precious.

"Oh," Harry cracked a small smile. "It was... Fine. Just fine."

Ginny gasped.

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "What are you saying? 'Fine... Just fine?' It's not _just _fine, it's the most supertacular, megaawesome, ultragenius book in the world universe!" Harry frowned at her use of made-up words.

"...Right." He gave her two thumbs up and ran for the front portrait.

* * *

"That was creepy." Harry shuddered at the thought of Hermione's crazed face, glad to be away from the witch. His stomach sank at the thought of having to see her like that again whenever he'd go back to the Gryffindor tower. There was no way she would leave him alone now. Uh uh, never. She would chase after him until he admitted that he loved Twilight to death, or she would show _him_ death once he confessed that he _hated_ those books.

"I can't go back!" he cried out in the empty corridor, only to have a professor's head poked out from a classroom door, glaring at him. He immediately quieted up.

A sigh fell from his lips. _I guess I'll just have to seek Ron for comfort. Maybe he could protect me. After all, he's still 'Mione's boyfriend._

* * *

"No. Way. Mate. No way."

"But I'm scared. Didn't you see her? She's completely obsessed with it like it's the golden edition of _Hogwarts, a History! _Being her boyfriend and my best friend, Ron, you have the duty of getting her off my back," Harry said.

The current Quidditch Captain (Harry gave up his position in order to make time for his Auror Training Program) gave him a look. "And that's precisely why I refuse. Do you have any idea how deep that obsession runs, or how much she would hate me if I stand up to her about it? It's even worse than previous years! Good thing she thinks I'm dumb; otherwise I'd be just as tortured as you! Yesterday she tried to pour glitter on me and started calling me 'Edward'! Then, she began to quote quotes from that stupid book. Something about a lion and a lamb."

Ouch.

"So, can't help you, mate. Sorry, you'll just have to figure this out on your own."

* * *

"'...wasn't so lost to the soreness or the fog of medication that I didn't respond to his touch. The beeping of the monitor jumped around erratically - now he wasn't the only one who could hear my heart misbehaves...'"

Harry shuddered once.

"'...He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether..."

Harry shuddered twice.

"...He pulled back abruptly, his anxious expression turning to relief as the monitor reported the restarting of my heart..."

Harry shuddered so hard that he thought he might begin to have a stroke or a heart attack. The poor adverbs, the poor, poor adverbs! So many of them, all tossed here and there like a wannabe artist drawing random eyes and mouths, trying to imitate Picasso. Oh the poor, violated thesaurus! Science! Good Merlin, what hell had befallen on the good art of science! So many sins committed in that one single scene. The horror, the horror!

Harry took Neville's thesaurus and hugged it tightly against his chest, earning an odd look from the Herbology star.

Across the Great Hall, Draco Malfoy stared at the Gryffindor table with astonishment.

_Harry Potter likes Twilight?_

* * *

There was only so much he could take when Hermione decided to spell his teeth pointy (despite the fact that Meyerpires had _no_ fangs) and charm his skin so that it glittered whenever light shines on him. He got sympathetic looks from everyone in the Common Room, and Ron held up a "sorry" sign when his girlfriend's back was turned on him.

The witch prodigy only beamed and insisted that they were just jealous because "you look just like Edward-poo!"

Harry knew better than to argue.

"Now let's go to dinner!"

* * *

Minerva McGonagall fainted when she caught sight of her Golden Gryffindor. Snape watched with an opened mouth, and if someone were to look into his mouth, they would see a mix of spinach and pumpkin pie. Professor Sprout turned pink and acquired googly eyes when she saw Harry; she was the one who lent Hermione her Twilight books. Hagrid frowned in confusion.

"Ye... Why is 'Arry sparklin' like a pixie?" he asked Madam Hooch, who was choking back laughter.

"He's not Harry, Hagrid," Hermione explained. "His name is Edward Cullen, and he's my new boyfriend."

"Hey!" Ron shouted, outraged.

"What the hell?" Harry screamed, outraged as well, and pulled himself out of her grip. "Since when did we decide that?"

"Bu- but, you like Twilight!" she said, as if that was the only excuse needed.

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do, two-faced liar!"

Harry turned red. "I never said I like it. I only went along with you because you will kill me if I don't like it!"

"Why you-" Hermione began to pull out her wand. Her eyes were narrowed dangerously into angry slits. The fist her other hand formed was by her side, white. Ginny gulped with terror, recalling how her former best girlfriend had done away with her nose. She touched said nose, remembering the blood and the fear even though it only took Madam Pomfrey seconds to fix it. That punch lost Hermione her Head Girl title, yet the Muggleborn didn't even give a damn, only clutched on to her Twilight book.

She had to save Harry somehow!

"Look 'Mione, it's just a book. Not everybody has to-"

"IT IS NOT JUST A BOOK! HOW DARE YOU CALL IT JUST A BOOK! IT'S MY BIBLE!"

Everything was silent then. Even the Ravenclaws, who normally kept to their own conversations, turned around and watched them.

"Don't you _dare_ call it just a book, don't you even _think_ about bad-mouthing it!"

"Miss Granger, put your wand away," McGonagall commanded when she recovered from her shock.

Hermione did not obey. "_Avada Keda-_"

"_Petrificus Totalus_!"

And she fell to the floor, frozen.

Harry looked up into the face of his savior, Draco Malfoy. He could not speak, he could not think, he couldn't even breathe properly when his rival extent out a hand. Harry slowly clasped the given hand and got up from the floor- _I fell_? "…What?"

Draco only nodded seriously. His face was a grave one of a warrior who'd survived a thousand battles. "I understand your pain and suffering, Potter," he said in a calm and _very _serious voice. "I had to go through the same thing with my father. Luckily, my mother has the sense to know bad literature when she reads it and saved us from his crazy clutch. You were very brave just now. Granger's Twitardness was beyond horror, even worse than my father's."

The Boy-Who-Lived gaped, and fainted.


End file.
